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I’m tired of spending countless hours trapped in my own thoughts, tired of sprawling my thoughts and feelings down on paper, tired of saying one thing and thinking another, tired of pretending to be something that I’m not. Well I’ve made a decision, I’m not going to argue any more, if God had wanted me to be different, he would have changed me, therefore he must love me the way I am.
I’ve argued with God since I was 17 and I’m tired of fighting him, I’m tired of crying myself to sleep each night, asking Why me? Mum, ever since I was 14 and found the word that described me I’ve prayed and prayed for God to change me, but he hasn’t so I’m finally having to accept myself for who I am so that I can get on with my life. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get up the courage to tell you.
In fact, I’m so angry with Him, I can’t even cry anymore.
I think I actually hate Him for making me like this and not changing me.
I guess I hoped that if I just held out long enough, prayed hard enough, and was a good enough Christian then it would just go away and I could be ‘normal’.
I know you’re only just finding out about this (or maybe you had wondered?Mum, I know this is probably difficult for you to comprehend right now and my timing isn’t brilliant either but all I can think about, day in, day out, is this.I can’t concentrate on my work, I’m losing interest in life and I’m losing interest in God.A love so strong, but I’ve been afraid of putting it to the test all these years.I’ve hidden a secret from you both for a very long time, a secret so enormous that I’ve not been able to share it with you for fear of it changing our closeness.There is so much that I’ll miss and I can’t describe how that feels, every time I think about it.